Be A Man!
I was in a young men’s group in middle school and the facilitator, Mr. Williams, asked, “What defines a man?” As a sixth grader who had gotten into trouble a lot and was constantly told I needed to take ownership of my actions, my response was “accountability” and explained reasoning. We went on to list qualities we believed men were supposed to possess such as responsible, protective, self-sufficient, etc. and while those were qualities of men, none of them were definitions. The definition of manhood eluded us. I was looking forward to gaining a definition of manhood because I recognized that what we were saying didn’t define a man. Some men were accountable while other weren’t. Some men were responsible while others weren’t, and the list goes on. I recognized that in many cultures, adulthood is defined a certain age but that felt too inclusive. We all know people past a certain age who behave in child-like ways. And from that young men’s group, a personal journey began seeking the definition of manhood.
I sought understanding of manhood. My father instilled values in me: take care of the women in your life, be honest, always do the right thing. Media I consumed played a similar role: “A man who doesn’t spend time with his family can’t be a real man” (The Godfather). And of course, I sought understanding from the males around me while simultaneously trying to be a man. Amongst my peers, I observed boys that were tough. I had to add toughness to my repertoire if I was ever going to be a real man. There was this one kid in summer camp who took my dream girl out of my little fantasy by being direct with her and then did the same with a few other girls. I was hurt but I thought that was cool of his conniving ass and that was probably what real men did instead of beating around the bush, wishing and hoping. There were the cool kids who had the Jordan’s, North Face’s, Ralph Lauren, Parasuco’s, Pelle’s, Vanson’s and all the name-brand stuff that seemed like they attracted all the other cool kids and girls and of course. That became something I felt would make me more of a man. Boys, we are on our way. Manhood, here we come. I wanted to be like them.
But then, hold up. Years later, I started learning more about these guys I was looking up to. The boys whose toughness I admired, I would find out, they were going through some unfortunate circumstances and were scared a lot of the time. A lot of the guys I idolized for being ladies’ men were sexually abused at early ages, or they attempted to fill voids of maternal love with romantic relationships. A lot of the people that had the flyest clothes actually lived in poverty or their parents had poor spending habits. I was admiring symptoms.
Admiring Symptoms
In pursuit of what masculinity was I realized many of these traits I admired didn’t equate to these guys being the supermen I made them out to be. A lot of them were hurt, scared, inadequately loved, uncertain, low self-esteemed young men whom I placed on a pedestal. Meanwhile, I was striving to be like these stereotypically masculine men because it looked cool. It’s ironic that as boys, what many of us strived for wasn’t actually masculine characteristics but instead wounds. Sure, it would’ve been cool to be known as the tough guy, but not as a consequence of having to fight all my life. The gift of gab to have relationships with all the women I wanted to would’ve been cool but I wouldn’t want that as a consequence of feeling inadequate paternal love. And despite not having the trendiest clothes, in hindsight, I would definitely prefer financial stability over financial struggles every time. A lot of us looked for answers about masculinity to boys who didn’t have the answers.
A lot of us young men had things that were more valuable than any of these “masculine” traits I longed for at different periods in life including love, safety and strong principles. I remember discovering men I’d known who had a lot of sexual partners, something I strived for at the time, got with the women by telling them what they wanted to hear (e.g. “I want you to be my girlfriend”), whether they meant it or not. I valued honesty over having a lot of attractive women. I remember hearing that a friend was abusive to his partner and my elevated perception of him brought him back to a level where we were eye-level with each other. There were many incidents of seeing cool, stoic men respond to adversity in immature ways, such as neglecting accountability and absolving themselves of responsibility. All of these encounters made me realize I was looking up to guys who were not all I made them out to be. The realization that I was placing these men with cool traits on a pedestal made me realize I didn’t need to seek understanding of masculinity externally because I was confident my understanding of manhood was rooted in a solid foundation. I stand strong in my values and if the options are ever between my desires and my morals, I’m choosing my morals every time.
What informs our concept of masculinity
“There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says “Morning, boys. How’s the water?” And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes “What the hell is water?”
- David Foster Wallace
And still, from boyhood onward, this arbitrary concept of masculinity looms over our heads, waiting to be fulfilled with urgency but no clear instruction. However, when you examine the source of what informs our masculinity, the current state of manhood makes a lot of sense. Author, bell hooks, describes the U.S. political system as imperialist, white-supremacist, capitalist, patriarchy. These aspects of our political system define traditional or patriarchal masculinity.
Traditional / Patriarchal Masculinity
Imperialism may be displayed in masculinity by men using violence to have their family operate in the manner they desire (e.g. physically abusing children or economically abusing partner to control them).
White-supremacy may be displayed by a man assimilating to white standards (e.g. appearance, language and values) and valuing white culture over their own. This looks like someone going to a job interview, considering English proper, instead of standard and wearing a suit and tie because they were they had to in order to be taken seriously in spaces where white culture is predominant.
One way capitalism is displayed in manhood is by men measuring their value based on their income.
And one way patriarchy may present itself in manhood is by a man possessing an unconscious (implicit) bias that women are supposed to be subordinate to them.
From early childhood, we are indoctrinated with these patriarchal values. I internalized imperialism by learning biased and select U.S. History in school and “Until the lion learns to write, every story will glorify the hunter”. I internalized white-supremacy, as it was reflected in the Clark Doll Experiment, by being inundated with anti-Black/pro-White propaganda depicting demoralizing images of Black people, the overrepresentation of black people as criminals in news reports and superior images of White people through media. I internalized capitalism by operating in it my entire life and only hearing about alternative approaches to capitalism when they were being vilified. I internalized patriarchy by seeing women depicted across media as subordinate to men. These concepts are the foundation of American masculinity: Imperialism, white superiority, capitalism and patriarchy.
Imperialist, white-supremacist, capitalist, patriarchy is pervasive throughout society as reflected in American attitudes, media, books, cultural tales, games, social norms, laws, science, history, language, etc. Bi-products of this culture include being domineering, isolation/loneliness, individualistic thinking, hyper-competitiveness, violence, and restricting of emotions, opposed to collaboration, feeling seen and supported in community, connection with others, peace, authentic expression and other traits which are conducive to positive mental health outcomes.
To Be or Not to Be
A lot of men live with the tension of presenting as masculine and assimilating to traditional/patriarchal masculinity instead of existing authentically (e.g. fear of partners seeing them as less-than masculine, constantly thinking about whether they’re doing the “manly” thing or not, shame of emotions that aren’t traditionally “masculine”). Many men dissimulate (definition: To hide under a false appearance), continuing to assume the traditional role of provider, protector or other traditionally masculine roles and this is the ultimate act of self-neglect. With self-neglect and dissimulation comes internalizing destructive messages of conditional worth: “My authentic self is not acceptable”, “I’m unlovable if I don’t provide”, “I am unworthy of my partner if I don’t assert dominance around her”. Another consequence of self-neglect and dissimulation is inflated self-concepts (e.g. -esteem, -confidence, -worth). While one of the most basic human needs is being experienced by another person, choosing to honor traditional masculinity over being who you truly are is one of the greatest forms of self-neglect. If I’m presenting as the person I think I have to be to get love, respect, and all the other things, I will never have a solid foundation of self -awareness, -esteem, -confidence, -respect or -worth. You cannot accept yourself or love yourself if you’re living as yourself. The cost of self-neglect and dissimulation is a slow death of your authenticity.
By upholding these rigid boundaries and caricatures of patriarchal masculinity, not only do you foster conditions of neglect in your immediate environment, but you also perpetuate a culture that neglects the needs of other men and young men in your life. Upholding patriarchal masculinity normalizes inauthenticity which disconnects men from self and people who they have the potential to have fulfilling relationships with. Archetypes such as the cool guy, the protector and the entertainer often confine who you are and fosters inauthenticity. You deserve to exist freely and rid yourself of confines of being a traditional/patriarchal man. There are no rewards for dissimulating and being the manliest man to ever exist.
When I ask men and women why they impose patriarchal values I never quite hear a valid reason. I hear statements along the lines of “That’s just the way it’s supposed to be”. In Coming To America King Jaffe Joffer asks, “Who am I to change tradition” and Queen Aoleon says “I thought you were the king.” As men, we have a lot to gain by being king of our own individual dominion. I encourage everyone reading this to think for themselves. In the film The Matrix, there’s a scene where Neo is “unplugged” and he asks “Why do my eyes hurt?” Morpheus says “You never used them before” alluding to Neo seeing the world exclusively from lenses that he has been indoctrinated with and not viewing his world independently of those lenses. I believe a man should define what it is to be a man and it doesn’t have to align with other men’s concept of what a man is. In fact, I believe a man defining masculinity for himself is the essence of liberated masculinity. At 35 years old, this is my definition of a man.
How Can Therapy Help?
Therapy can help you:
- Reflect on what messages about masculinity you’ve internalized - Where they came from, how they’ve shaped you and whether they still serve you.
- Challenge your socialization of masculinity in a safe, judgement free space.
- Strengthen skills traditional masculinity may have discouraged such as emotional awareness, articulating your needs, and managing conflict without anticipating aggression
- Assess what pressures you’re feeling from being a man and they affect your mental health.
- Recognize unmet needs and find ways to get them fulfilled.
- Establish comfort experiencing a full range of emotions
- Identify what voids were filled with patriarchal masculinity when there should have been more care and address how to get those needs met now.
- Reclaim your sense: Self-acceptance, Self-confidence, Self-esteem, Self-respect, Self-worth
- Explore authenticity – Explore who you are beneath the masks you’ve worn or the labels society has placed on you
- Relinquish control of how others perceive you, acceptance/coping with that
…And more
I write this because I see patriarchal masculinity hoisted with honor, questioning if men see the consequences that come with it. I question whether men are aware of the implications of saying things like “I’m a man. Treat me with respect.” One of the implications is that people who are not men deserve less respect. While I’m appreciative of men’s retreats, in the midst of this loneliness epidemic, I recognize that at some of the most popular retreats, facilitators reinforce some of the same values that led those men to loneliness in the first place which have their roots in imperialistic, white-supremacist, capitalistic, patriarchy. I question whether men know that they don’t have to be hyper-independent standing on their own two feet and they can foster more loving environments outside of romantic relationships. I hope you pay attention to the omnipresent impact of traditional/patriarchal masculinity. I hope you define masculinity for self instead of letting it define you. I hope you use your own lens to perceive the world around you. You can hide behind traditional masculinity, work yourself to death (see John Henryism) or any other form of abandoning yourself, but for the sake of you and the people around you, please give yourself and the people who will love you for you the chance to love the most authentic version of you.